Caveat: A sarcastic/April Fools/Tuesday in Holy Week/on the verge of blasphemous offering…
On this day 2000ish years ago Jesus was being repeatedly interrupted as he taught, hazed by the different groups of religious leaders. But what if Jesus were not the prince of peace? Have you ever wondered how Tuesday in Holy Week might have gone if Jesus had gone “Beast Mode”? Here is the script from tonight’s Netflix special on Holy Week with Marshawn Lynch cast as Jesus, limited to only giving answers from his Super Bowl week press conferences (Marshawn in italics)…
Jesus entered the temple courts, and, while he was teaching, the chief priests and the elders of the people came to him. “By what authority are you doing these things?” (Matt. 21: 23)
Jesus replied, “I’m all about that beast mode.”
23 They asked. “And who gave you this authority?” Jesus replied, “Yeah.”
Confused, the Pharisees repeated the question.
24 Jesus said, “I will also ask you one question. If you answer me, I will tell you by what authority I am doing these things: Do you have any skittles?
27 So they answered Jesus, “We don’t know.”
22:15 Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. 16 They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. “Teacher,” they said, “we know that you are a man of integrity and that you…aren’t swayed by others, because you pay no attention to who they are. 17 Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay the imperial tax to Caesar or not?”
Jesus answered them, “I’m just about that action boss.”
When the Pharisees looked confused, Jesus said, “I’m just here so I don’t get…fined.”
The Herodians replied, “Um, Jesus, I am not sure you answered the question.
So Jesus answered more slowly, “I’m…just…here…so…I…don’t…get…fined.”
The Pharisees grumbled amongst themselves…
Knowing what they were thinking, Jesus replied, “Cause they continue to ask me the same question. I have to give the same answers.
22:23 That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. 24 “Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for him. 25 Now there were seven brothers. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. 26 The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. 27 Finally, the woman died. 28 Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”
29 But Jesus answered and said to them, …“You have two more minutes to look at me.”
23:1 Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: “I’m thankful. “Thank you for asking about my stomach. And, “I appreciate it.”
34 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied, “I’m going to sit here for the next 20 seconds. And look at you same way you looked at me. We’re done here.
22:31 The people were amazed at his teaching. So Jesus said, “Shoutout to my real Africans,”
26:3 Then the chief priests and the elders of the people assembled in the palace of the high pries…4 and they schemed to arrest Jesus secretly and kill him.
Actually, Jesus did go into beast mode later that week before Pontius Pilate. When Jesus answered Pilate’s query in John 19, “Are you king of the Jews?” Jesus answers, 34“Are you saying this on your own, or did others tell you about Me?” And, 37 “You say correctly I am a king. For this I have been born, and for this I have come into the world.”
And when you think about it, Jesus saying, “If I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all men to Myself.” (John 12:32) is not really that much different from him saying, “You know why I’m here. I’m…just…here…so…YOU…don’t…get…fined.”