Yes, kiddos, there really is a Santa Claus.

St Nick Heretics.001

Snark MeterHIGH.001

Jolly Old St. Nick was the bishop of Myra, a city in Turkey in the early 300s. We give gifts because he gave gifts – dowries to three impoverished girls so that they could marry. He also built a lighthouse on a dangerous shore out of his own funds, which is why he is the patron saint of sailors. He was one of many brave bishops who carried the scars of Roman persecutions for refusing to deny the resurrection of Christ. Everything was going quite well for Bishop Nick. Then a priest named Arius showed up at a church council in Nicaea singing a catchy little tune he had written about Jesus that was taking the Roman world by storm. The good bishop listened to the words, “There was a time when he was not.” Realizing that if that if Arius’ idea stuck we would have Jehovah’s Witnesses teaching that stuff on our doorsteps to this day, he punched Arius in the face. 

So, parents, the next time your kids tell you they are too old to believe in Santa Claus, raise an eyebrow and tell them they better watch the content of the music on their Pandora, because “He knows if you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good…” Ok, so you probably shouldn’t threaten your kids with Ol’ St. Nick giving them a punch in the face, coal in the stocking will do fine, thank you.

December 6th is the traditional St. Nicholas’ Day (unless you are Orthodox, then it is the 19th). So have your kids’ put their shoes out on the step tonight and fill them up with unhealthy junk while they sleep and tell them the story of the old bishop who started all of this gift giving. Your kids will think you are even awesomer.

*And, as Anjel Ayrer Scarborough mentioned in a comment: “Arian smack down – The reason Nicholas is never depicted in eastern iconography in bishops regalia. Tradition holds that he was disciplined for his outburst at Nicaea and forbidden to wear bishop’s vestments form that point forward.”

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6 thoughts on “Yes, kiddos, there really is a Santa Claus.

  1. Matt, you should check Wickipedia for the proper use of apostrophes — which are used for possessive cases but not for plurals. So it should read: dowries and kids’. From the grammar policewoman, Carol Anne

    • Thank you for the correction. I am both a product of the Arizona school system and mostly writing fast. If you wanted to function as a proofer I would say, “Thank you!” That and send you a Starbucks gift card. 🙂

  2. Less than an hour after I read this post, two JW missionaries knocked on my door and gave my son a pamphlet. My dog, normally friendly, was barking madly, the hair on his back standing on end.Guess I’ll change his name to Nick.

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